I Miss It All
I miss it all.
I miss that smell that only those new to earth are allowed to have. I miss the necessity of doing way more laundry than I ever thought possible because you go through five outfits a day. I miss the first beginnings of what I swear is you saying my name when it’s really just the easiest sounds for you to form right now.
Loud squeals. Food all over your face. Hands flapping happily.
I miss sitting at the table with you because you didn’t finish all your food. I miss being woken up in the middle of the night, whether from cries or sleepy declarations of bad dreams.
Scrapes. Bumps. The occasional scarlet beads that have you pleading for a Band-Aid.
I miss how you act defiant sometimes, but at the end of the day, all you want is your dad and me for comfort. I miss you growing out of clothes faster than I can seem to buy them. I miss helping you learn to read and write, my patience wearing thin, but knowing it’s all worth it in the end.
Snow angels. Popsicle crafts. Tracing your hands at Thanksgiving so you can make paper turkeys.
I miss seeing you with your first real friend, the two of you giggling, not even understanding what you’re giggling about. I miss the way your face looks the first time you find your favorite activity, how it glows like the Christmas tree you helped me decorate. I miss how the toys with all the lights and loud sounds disappear from your room to be replaced with more complex things.
Homework. Soccer practice. Your first real fight with that first real friend.
I miss when you first say you can’t wait to drive, thinking it makes you all grown up and cool. I miss explaining to you just how much that car costs, what with the insurance, gas, repairs… and your face falls a little. I miss watching that excitement bloom again when you actually sit in the driver’s seat for the first time. I miss how my heart jumps into my throat as I say you’re about to drive into the ditch.
Driving too fast. First speeding ticket. Finding a job to pay said ticket off.
I miss that red heat that crawls up your face every time your newfound crush walks by. I miss your first date when you’re so nervous your hands shake. I miss watching you start to figure out where you want your future to go, and if there’s any way that crush fits into it.
First kiss. College tours. Final games and tournaments.
I miss how proud you look and how proud I feel when you walk across the stage and take that diploma, your dad holding me back so I don’t jump up and shout in joy.
Last summer. Packing up. Final goodbyes as you head out the door.
I miss the rest of it. I miss the serious relationship, the one that ends with an aisle. I miss your excitement as you hold that first house key. I miss watching you create new life.
Grandma. Grandpa. Spoiling your kids like crazy.
I miss not knowing if I’m missing the right things. I miss not knowing what I’m missing, yet knowing I’m missing out on you nonetheless. I miss you, even if I have never gotten and may never yet have the chance to know you.
I miss it all.